07/28/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20926
There once was a woman with 100 children. She was too tired to give each of them individual, unique names, so she decided to just name them “One”, “Two”, “Three”, and so on until “Hundred”.
Years pass and all the children have grown up. Some have marriages, but none have children except for Ninety.
One day, while Ninety’s children were playing outside, they stumbled upon a stray dog.
They wanted to keep it, but they knew Ninety would be against it so they hid it.
One of the children had the idea to name it “This” so that they would be able to talk about it around their mom without her knowing.
They would say “Let’s go take This outside” and other similar things, and sure enough, Ninety never knows about This. In fact, no one ever knows about it other than the children.
Unfortunately, one day, This dies in an accident while the children weren’t paying attention. Once the kids find out, they silently agree to never talk about it, and keep it to their deathbeds. Sure enough, no one else hears about This ever again.
Only Ninety’s kids remember This.
07/27/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20923
After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi-million dollar home. Since Jake had better lawyers, he prevailed. He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes and crates.
On the 2nd day, she had two movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything- cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were the sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, Jake and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…
Including the curtain rods.
07/26/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20920
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far away and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had the problem of how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said,
“Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested,
“Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
“I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said,
“Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied,
“Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
07/25/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20907
The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words,
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon……day
Does anyone know another word?
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says ” I know a four-syllable word, pick me…..”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
“O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “Mas…tur…ba…tion.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
“Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful”
No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that’s only two syllables.
07/24/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20903
A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck.
The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash.
The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre.
The man explains that the duck is his service pet.
However, because he didn’t have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasn’t allowed in.
The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants.
With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in.
The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two ladies.
About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath.
The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around.
One lady nudges the other lady and exclaims,
“Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants.”
The lady furthest away says,
“Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all”.
The other lady replies,
“Yes, that’s what I thought, but this one’s eating my popcorn”.