Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Furthermore, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his cousin.

I was appalled, but as the days went on I came to realize that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk…

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician.

“In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.

The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year? ”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day? ”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? ”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day…. and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you also get mad? ”

THE PROGRAM WAS NEVER AIRED ON TV

Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, “What’s that hanging down from that elephant?

“His mom said, “That’s the elephant’s trunk.”

Timmy said, “No, not that. Back underneath the elephant.”

His mom, embarrassed, said. “That’s nothing.”

Timmy isn’t satisfied with

her response, and turns to his father, “Dad, what’s that hanging down underneath that elephant?”

Dad says, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Mom said it was nothing.”

“I know, son. I’ve really spoiled that woman.”

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.

The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.

Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, “It’s your fuel pump.”

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. “Who said that?” he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, “It’s your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again.”

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

“Gimme a large whiskey, please!” he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked, “What’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s unbelievable,” the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. “A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”

The man replied in the affirmative. “Yes, it was! Am I crazy?”

“No, you ain’t crazy. In fact, you’re lucky,” said the rancher, “because that black horse don’t know sh*t about cars.”

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.

“Not yet”, said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and then we can visit for a while.”

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “may we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

A while later the guests asked again, “may we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, “well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries!” she told them.

“When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because, I forgot where I put it.”