Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was to spend a few years in the desert. The judge said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?”

The man replied, “If it gets too hot, I can roll down the window.”

Once upon a time, there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female.

So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, “Since we’re in this together, why don’t I move over to your side of the cage!”

The female canary replied, “No, thanks!!”

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,

“I am sorry I was too forward the first time. Why don’t we get to know each other first?”

To which she replied again, “No, thanks!”

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,

“Well, could we at least talk?”

This time she replied, “Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, “Chirpies” and I hear it is untweetable.”

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conferencing.

Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,

‘in ‘Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.’

Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,

‘In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.’

Hans steps up next,

‘In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck’s, the real king of beers.’

Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.

‘Barman, give me a coke with ice please.’

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually, Bruce asks, ‘Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?’

Patrick replies, ‘Well, if you lot aren’t drinking, then neither am I.’

Three buddies are out hooning around in a sports saloon.

It’s all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection.

Inevitably, the sports saloon ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly.

Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!'”

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well except for one problem –

He kept winking at the camera.

The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem.

I’m afraid we won’t able to hire you unless you get it under control.”

“Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man.

“If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done”

“All right, show me,” said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills.

Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin.

He tool the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch.

The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.”

“Excuse me!” exclaimed the man, “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”

“Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

The man sighed. “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin and winking all the while?”