Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.

His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody– it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.

As a last resort, he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor and was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.

“You went to the beach?”

“Absolutely.”

“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”

“Absolutely.”

“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”

“Absolutely.”

“And what were the first words you saw?”

“Chapter 11.”

What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.

Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.

“9 am,” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until 9 am?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.

The librarian began to get angry.

“No, not until 9 am,” said the librarian. “Why do you want to get in before 9 am?”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

Everybody on earth died and went to heaven.

On their arrival, God greeted the people and said: “I want the men to make two lines – one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

A little while later, God returned to the pearly gates to check on progress. The women had all gone with St. Peter as he had wished, and the men were split into two lines.

The line containing men that were dominated by women during their earthly lives was 100 miles long, but there was just a single man in the line containing men that dominated their women.

Enraged by this, God said to the men: “You should be ashamed for yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be controlled by your lovers or spouses.”

Turning toward the solitary man, God continued: “Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son – how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

“I don’t know – my wife told me to stand here,” replied the man.

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.

He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen.

“Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Gramma asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Gramma” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Gramma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

GOD said: ?”Adam, I want you to do something for me.?”

“Gladly, Lord,”? replied Adam. “?What do you want me to do?”

“Go down into the valley.”

“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.

God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”?

“What?’s a river?”

God explained it to him, and then continued: “?Go over the hill??.”

“What?s a hill?”?

God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”?

“What?’s a cave??”

After God explained, he said: “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam asked, “?What?’s a woman??”

So God explained that to him too. He continued: “?I want you to reproduce.”?

“How do I do that?”

“Jeez!”? God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.

Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.?

A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…

…?What?’s a headache??”