Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One day, a woman named Nancy received some terrible news. Her beloved grandfather had just passed away. So, she went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 92-year-old grandmother and offer her some comfort.

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied: “It was a heart attack, he got it while we were making love on Saturday morning.”
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Horrified, Nancy told her grandmother that 2 people nearing 100 years of age probably shouldn’t be indulging in such dangerous passions.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied her gran. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ‘Ding’ and out on the ‘Dong’.”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued:

“And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question.

One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents.

A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.”

In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.”

In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”

Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.

“Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom,” he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally, the lawyer says: ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquires the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

Answers the representative: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

The doctor of an 80-year-old woman had finally retired. Therefore, at the elderly lady’s next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through them, his eyes grew wide as he realized that the little old Grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.

“Mrs. Smith, you do realize that these are birth control pills?”

“Yes, doctor. They really help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith”, he said, flabbergasted, “I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!”

The old lady reached out and patted the innocent, young doctor’s knee:

“Yes, dear. I understand. But believe me. They definitely help me sleep at night…”

“…You see, every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks!

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid replies, “Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha.”

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

“You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid responds, “One.”The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?”

“$101,237.65.”

“$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?”

“First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn’t think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4×4 truck with all the bells and whistles.”

“A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!”

“No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot. You should go fishing.”