06/18/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11562
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”
“Amen,” replied the congregation.
06/17/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11559
She may have been born a blonde, but she’ll do anything to avoid being prejudged by the world…
A blonde walks into an appliance store and sees a TV she would like to buy.
She goes to the register and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.“
The blonde walks out and dyes her hair brown.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her a look and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you, we don’t sell to blondes.“
So she walks out and dyes her hair black.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her another look of pity and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you three times, we don’t sell to blondes.“
The blonde walks out and dyes her hair red.
She comes back in and says, “I wanna buy that TV.“
The man gives her a very tired look and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you. We don’t sell to blondes.“
She asks, “How have you know I’m a blonde this whole time?“
The man replies, “because Ma’am…. that’s a microwave.“
06/16/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11556
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair…then sliding a little more… until he was almost under the table.
The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice!
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman:
“Pardon me, ma’am. But I think your husband just slid under the table.”
06/15/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11552
When a man gets into a conversation with God, he decides to try his luck with him to see if he can get ahead. Little did he know just how witty the creator himself really is…
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds.
He was identifying shapes when decided to talk to God.
“God, He said, “How long is a million years?”
God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.”
The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God answered, “To me, it’s a dime.”
The man then asked, “God, can I have a dime?”
“In a minute.”
06/14/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11549
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
“How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”