Daily Joke: Jokes Library

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds each, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season had closed!

Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!”

The fisherman says, “No my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.” The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained… like how?”

“Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”

“Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.” So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, “How about whistling?”

The fisherman says, “What For?”

The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”

The fisherman says, “What lobsters?”

The results of some very recent research from a renowned and illustrious educational institution have conclusively and shockingly revealed that, contrary to all expectations and hopes, there are 7 kinds of sex. Here are the findings of this groundbreaking study:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

Which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon, and nun at night (very popular).

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least:

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself!

A man is sent to prison for the first time.

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, “twelve!”

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

“Why are you guys just yelling numbers?” He asks his cellmate. “What’s so funny about random numbers?”

“Well,” says the older prisoner, “They’re not random. It’s just that we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.”

Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, “SIX!” But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”

“You didn’t tell it right.”

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.

He continued running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could, which wasn’t very good at all.

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”

Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Only when it’s raining.”

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied.

“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”