Daily Joke: Jokes Library

John’s wife, refusing to give in to aging, goes out to buy some new cosmetics so he can look years younger.

After spending some time applying “Miracle“ products to her face, she asks her husband, “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, how old would you think I am?“

Looking at her carefully, John replied…

“Judging from your skin twenty, your hair eighteen. And your figure, twenty five.“

“OH, you flatterer!“ She gushed.

Just as she was about to tell John his reward, he stops her and says “WHOA, hold on there sweety…

“I haven’t added them up yet!“

A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure. He walks into the doctor’s office and says:

“D D D D Doctor, you’ve g g g g got to help m m m me, I’ll d d do anyth th th th thing.”

The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination, and sure enough discovers the problem….

“Your genitals are massive, and it’s causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutter. I can, if you’d like, shorten your penis and relieve the great tension on your larynx. The effects will be instantaneous, and we can operate today.”

“D D D D Do it!”

So they prep for surgery and very quickly the operation is performed. It’s a complete success, and the man leaves for home delighted to be cured. But that night his wife finds out what he did. She is very unhappy and urges him to reverse the surgery.

The next day, the man returns to the doctor’s surgery.

“Hello doctor, and thanks for seeing me again. I’m completely cured and most of all I’m very grateful, but unfortunately my wife is not, I want to reverse the surgery.”

The doctor replies: “N N N N N N No Refunds!”

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So they did.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions…

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove the saying about money, “you can’t take it with you”, wrong.

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

Then, he directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan was to reach out and grab the bags when he was ascending to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, touching his lips.

“Tell him,” she says, “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ room.”