Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s.

When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read: “Now there are two!”

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.

He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck.

When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”

“I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”

“Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”

“That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager.

“Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.

She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.

She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.

The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.

She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.

This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.

After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.

The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.

Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.

They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer. “Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what … if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”

“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.

“How do you figure?” asked John.

“Well, John – you know my ‘ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face.

So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.

Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away!

So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!

But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.

Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.”

“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you.”