Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Our story begins with a young man who’s in the market for a used motorcycle. He’s shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck.

One day, he comes across a beautiful, classic Harley with a “for sale” sign on it. Upon inspection, he is delighted to find the bike in mint condition. He enquires about it with the owner: “This bike is beautiful!! I’ll take it. But you have to tell me how you keep it in such good shape!”

“Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.” and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So our hero buys the bike and off he goes! He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a Harley fan herself). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents’ house. See, it was the first time he was going to meet them and figured it would make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm.

“Sweetie,” she says,” I have to tell you something about my parents before we go in. It’s really embarrassing but it’s a family tradition. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says with a smile. “Sounds like fun”. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In fact, the entire house is littered with piles of them. This thing was no joke!

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, our hero gets more and more bored. To spice things up, he decides to test the limits of this game this family plays. He reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, undresses her, and proceeds to make love to her on the dinner table.

While that is going on, he thinks: “her mother must have had her as a teen, she’s gorgeous…”, so he grabs his girlfriend’s mother and proceeds to make love to HER on that same dinner table, but still, no one says a word.

Thunder sounds and heavy rain begins to fall. The ardent boyfriend panics, his perfect Harley! He lets go of the mother and as he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

The father stands up and shouts: “ALRIGHT! I’ll do the bloody dishes!”

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant replies: “Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won’t dare cough!”

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.

“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

There was the woman who approached the local pharmacist and asked for cyanide.

“What on earth would you want to do with cyanide?” he asked.

“I want to poison my husband” she said coolly.

Of course the pharmacist was quite upset about this and made it quite clear to her that he was not going to be part of such a plot, and that he had no intention of selling any poison to her for that purpose.

The woman then took a photograph out of her bag. It showed the pharmacist’s wife in bed with the woman’s husband.

“Oh! You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo trying to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, had suddenly died. The keeper feared that attendance at the zoo would fall off. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get another one. The mime accepted.

The next morning, before the crowd arrived, the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. He discovered that it was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people, and he drew bigger crowds than he ever had as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tired of him and he became bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper came and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this went on for some time. The mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he slipped and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime started screaming and yelling, “Help! Help meee!!!”, but the lion was quick and pounced. The mime soon found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion slowly lowered his snarling mouth towards him and said: “Shut UP you idiot! Do you want to get us BOTH fired?”