Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let’s talk.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” says the blonde.

“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde,

“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.

After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” the little girl replied.

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”

They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.'”

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”

They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**

After a weekend vacation, a sergeant got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time.

It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage.

He decided to summon each of them to his office to get an explanation.

The first soldier walks in, and the sergeant asks: “Well, what’s your excuse for showing up so late?”

“Sory, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, no cars stopped and then suddenly an old man driving a horse and buggy stops and offers me a ride!

Well, you know, I couldn’t refuse the man’s kind gesture, and I got on, only it took forever to get here and that’s why I was late!”

“HMMPH,” said the surprised sergeant. “I gues that’s a reasonable explanation,” and he let the soldier go.

He called the next soldier in and asked for his excuse.

“Sory, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, then this old woman with a horse and buggy stopped for me…”

And the soldier tells him the same story, that he was late because the buggy was so slow.

One after another, all the soldiers file in and tell him the exact same story. They all felt too bad to say no, and were late as a consequence.

The last soldier then walks in, and the sergeant, now quite angry says: “I suppose you hitch-hiked too?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“YES SIR!”

“And I suppose you also got a ride?”

“YES SIR!”

“And I suppose it was on a horse and buggy?”

“NO SIR!”

“NO???” asked the surprised sergeant.

“NO SIR, it was a 2014 mercedes, SIR!”

“Then why the heck were you late?!”

“We tried to make good time sir,” answered the soldier apologetically,

“But the road was completely blocked with horses and buggies!”

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.

Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.

The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.

The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”

Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.

Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”

The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.

The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.

She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”. She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”