Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.

“Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.” The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.” The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. “Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied, “Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!” Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.

Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could

speak with the farmer’s horse. “Well, you know, horses don’t talk.” Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.”

So the farmer brought out his horse. “Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist.

The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!” Again the farmer was amazed.

Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?’

‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ‘

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘I have never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘Are you taking anything for it?’

The woman nodded. ‘Pepper.’

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh, please excuse me!“ said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.“

“That’s perfectly all right,“ replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you?“

“Well, I really don’t know,“ said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.“

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… you must be a bunny rabbit!“

Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?“

And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?“

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer!“

Every adult knows that trying to understand and simplify life is an impossible feat.

But it can turn out to be pretty entertaining when you put some humor into it.

After all, adulthood often gets the best of us, so it surely won’t hurt to lighten up and look at life from a different angle every once in a while.

Here are the best attempts to simplify adult life – and as you will see, they’re ridiculously true!

Office Arithmetic

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

Relation Arithmetic

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Shopping Mathematics

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he neeeds.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she does not need.

Happiness Formula

To be happy with a man – understand him a lot, love him a little

To be happy with a woman – love her a lot, don’t try to understand her at all.

Marriage Formula

A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change but she does.

Future Formula

A woman worries about the future util she gets a husband.
(Then she worries about the husband…)

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Argument Formula

A woman has the last word in any argument.
(Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.)

Success Formula

Successful Man: One who makes more money than his wife can spend.

Successful Woman: One who finds such a man.