Daily Joke: Jokes Library

This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.

A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.

Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”

The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.

The man again spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”

The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.

The man replies, “I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.

“He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.

“As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picks up speed.

“Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.

“I screamed out ‘We are going to die!’

“Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, ‘If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.’”

Again he spits and tells the cop, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard.

The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that every night.”

The passenger replies, “My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”

The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”

The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks, “How was it?”

The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”

The driver looks at him funny and says, “Ten drinks?”

The passenger says, “Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.

He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.

The operator at the other end said: “Are they in your house?”

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

The operator said there were no cars available at that time.

He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.

“I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!”

Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!”

The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation’s attention.

“Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them,” the cleric told him.

“For example: ‘Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'”

He smiled at the young vicar’s shocked look before adding, “She was my mother.”

The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, “Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.”

He was pleased with the instant reaction, then panic-stricken.

“But for the life of me, I can’t remember who she was!”

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.

Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, “What was that for?”

She replied, “That was for 50 years of bad sex.”

He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, “What was that for?”

Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, “That is for knowing the difference.”