11/09/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12086
A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.
In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asks him if he’d like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again.
“No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says,
“Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving!”
11/08/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12083
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
11/07/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12080
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big evening ashore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:
“Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!”
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
“Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also soiled your pants.”
11/06/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12076
Sometimes it’s the simplest jokes that end up being the most hilarious! That’s why we’ve gathered a collection of 35 different ‘Why’ jokes that are bound to make people of all ages giggle. Take a look.
1. Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they’re extremely good at it.
2. Why do ducks fly south in winter?
Walking takes way too long.
3. Why do flamingos usually lift a single leg while standing?
Because if they lifted both, they’d topple over.
4. Why do ants never get ill?
Because they are made out of antibodies.
5. Why did the old lady fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well.
6. Why don’t seagulls live near the bay?
Because if they did they would be bagels.
7. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the toilet?
Because the “P” is silent!
8. Why don’t helicopters fly at 5am?
Twirly!
9. Why should you never invite a nosy pepper to your home?
He’ll get jalapeño business.
10. Why can’t burritos be trusted?
They tend to spill the beans!
11. Why did the snail get a giant letter S painted on his new Ferrari?
So people will say “Look at that S-car go!”
12. Why couldn’t the hippie be saved by the lifeguard?
He was too far out, man!
13. Why was the tomato red?
He saw the salad dressing.
14. Why does the chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
15. Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because they outgrew their B shells.
16. Why did the fungi leave the fungus?
There was not mushroom.
17. Why was the mushroom the life of the party?
Because he’s a fungi.
18. Why did the banana lose its driving license?
He peeled out.
19. Why do scuba divers fall backward out boats?
Because if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.
20. Why shouldn’t you run in a campsite?
Because you can only ran, since it’s past tents.
21. Why do Norwegian Navy ships have barcodes?
So when they return to port, they can scan-de-navy-in.
22. Why did seven eat nine?
Because you’re meant to eat three squared meals each day.
23. Why can’t pirates remember the alphabet?
They always get lost at C!
24. Why can’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
25. Why was the bear happy and sad simultaneously?
He was a bi-polar bear.
26. Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
They look a bit shady.
27. Why can’t you tell jokes to a kleptomaniac?
They always take things, literally.
28. Why don’t sprinters eat before a big race?
They fast.
29. Why does ET have such huge eyes?
He saw his electricity bill.
30. Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
31. Why does everyone want to move to Switzerland?
Their flag is a big plus.
32. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
It was out standing in its field.
33. Why should you always wear two pairs of pants when golfing?
In case you get a hole in one.
34. Why couldn’t the Buddhist vacuum under the bed?
Because he had no attachments.
35. Why do bagpipers walk when playing their instrument?
To get away from the noise.
11/05/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12072
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail cell together.
One of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”
The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”
The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”
“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.