Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the dead man’s apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“No problem – I’ll let him know,” says Goldberg.

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for laying the deceased robin to rest.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity, intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.”

A couple decide that they need a guard dog.

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.

“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”

“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”

She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.

The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”

When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.

“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled

“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”

“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl aged about six years old.

Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked: “Are you a cop?”

“Yes,” I answered, and continued writing the report.

“My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?”

‘Yes, that’s right,” I told her.

“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me. “Would you please tie my shoe?'”

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening

when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! Reeling from the shock,

I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat:

“Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!“