Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A teacher asks a student:

“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”

“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.

“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”

“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”

A young woman, during tough times, was working as a prostitute. For obvious reasons, she kept this a secret from her family. One day, the police raided her brothel and arrested a group of working girls, including the young woman.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but the woman’s little old Grandma! The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, the Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for dear?”

Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young lady said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some myself,” and she made her way to the back of the queue. An officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to the old dear at the end, he was bewildered.

“But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and open wide.”

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. The whole street could hear them screaming and yelling whenever they had a confrontation. The old man used to say: “I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

One night, he died suddenly, and was buried. His wife celebrated by heading straight to the local bar to party as if there was no tomorrow. To her dismay, the old man returned to life the day after, and really did manage to dig his way out of his grave.

Inevitably, they went back to arguing as they always had done.

A couple of years went by, and the man died once again. The old woman went out to celebrate, just as she had done the first time he died. The neighbors asked about whether he really would come and haunt her for the rest of her life this time round.

“I don’t think he’ll be climbing out this time,” she said. “I had the old fool buried upside down.”

A dear old man has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of – to no avail.

He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says “I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.

The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.

“I know just the thing,” she says, and hands him a potion. “Drink this. When you are ready, just say ‘one, two, three.’ Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, ‘one, two, three, four,’ and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon.”

Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.

That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says “one, two three.” Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.

Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, “Wow, that looks great. But what did you say ‘one, two, three,’ for?”

A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter, buries his face in the bag and pulls out a list and some money and, using his mouth, “hands” it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling “Grrrrr”.

The clerk says “fine fine” and adds in the $10 he was trying to shortchange the dog with.

The dog puts everything back in the bag and saunters off.

The man thinks this is very interesting and decides to follow the dog to see what else it will do.

He watches the dog reach a traffic light. Sit and wait for it to say “WALK” before it crosses.

He eventually follows it to a building. It jumps up and presses an apartment number with it its paw.The door buzzes open and the dog goes in. The man sneaks in behind it.

The dog goes to the elevator and pushes the up button with its snout. They both get into the elevator and the dog presses the button for the 8th floor.

Once there, the dog goes to an apartment door and starts scratching.

An older man opens the door and starts shouting at the dog, telling it how stupid it is.

The man who’s just witnessed how amazing this dog is decides to intervene.“Excuse me! But I think you’re being unfair to your dog. This is the most amazing dog I’ve ever seen. I saw it buy groceries for you, check the change it got was right, get all the way back up here and now you’re calling it stupid?”

The old man replies “Well, this is the 3rd time this week this dumbass forgets his keys!”