Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Pete in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy ?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found??

“Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Tim McDurmt in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Come now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. ‘ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “There now Pete, you see? I told you there must be a simple explanation!

“Well, WHAT is it?” Fumed Pete.

“She never got your E-mail!”

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied.

“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

It was 1943 during WWII, and an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured.

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.

The German says: “My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won’t tell them anything!”

The Japanese says: “I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!”

The Italian says: “I guess I’m screwed.”

First they pick the German and pull him out of the cell away from the others. The next day they bring him back with bruises and cuts everywhere and he says: “I have failed, I told them everything.”

Next they pick the Japanese. Two days later they bring him back badly beaten up and in a bad condition. He says: “I have dishonored the emperor and i don’t deserve this life! I told them everything.”

ow they pick the Italian, who is already crying and asking for mercy. For two weeks they don’t hear anything from the Italian and start wondering what happened to him.

Then they bring him back, in a horrible condition, barely alive and the guard says: “I would have never believed that you guys would speak and the Italian is the one who wouldn’t say a word to us.”

They throw him back in the cell and the German and the Japanese rush to him and ask what happened and why he didn’t say anything.

The Italian answers: “Mamma mia, I wanted to tell them everything, but then they tied my hands behind my back!”

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a streetlight.

The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wristwatch had broken loose from his wrist.

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch.

After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.

“About a half a block up the street,” the drunk said.

“Why, pray tell,” the man asked the drunk, “are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?”

The drunk replied, “The light is a lot better here.”

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman: “You see that glass at the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 that I can pee in it from over here.”

The barman agrees to the bet, so the man begins to urinate all over the bar, its patrons and even the barman himself – basically everywhere except in the glass.

“Ha!” says the barman. “You owe me $100!”

“Wait here,” the man replies, and he walks over to the pool table. Someone hands him some money and they have a laugh together.

The man walks back over to the barman and hands him $100.

“Thanks,” the barman says, “but what were you laughing about with that dude over there?”

The man replies: “Oh, nothing. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling at the end of it.”