Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Tommy Cooper was a British comedian and magician, and well known for both. His stage presence often seemed chaotic and bumbling, but his shows were always perfectly choreographed to give that impression. In fact, he had an unbelievable sense of timing, for both tricks and jokes.

In a 2005 poll The Comedians’ Comedian, Cooper was voted the sixth greatest comedy act ever by fellow comedians and comedy insiders. He is commonly cited as one of the best comedians of all time, with several polls placing him at number one.

Cooper performed literally to the end of his life, dying on stage in front of millions of viewers, while he was, still, performing at the age of 63, doing what he loved to do – making people laugh.

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse!

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.

I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
Lengthwise?

She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’

I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.

She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”

Bank president: “How can I help you madam?”

She (Old Lady): “I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.”

He: “How much money do you like to deposit?”

She: “$180,000 Please.” (Started dumping the whole amount on his table)

The bank president was a bit surprised. “How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!”

She: “Oh, it’s nothing illegal. I make bets.”

He: “What kind of bets?”

She: “For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I’m right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I’ll pay you $10,000!”

The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he’s a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.

She: “Okay then, I’ll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don’t try to dodge the bet! No regrets!”

Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.

It was so bizarre, he didn’t even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn’t sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.

The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.

She: “Can I check your hands now Sir?”

He: “Yes. Go ahead.”

She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.

Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.

The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer’s strange behavior.

Lawyer: “She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can’t believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!”

Here are some words of advice and comfort for all you ladies out there. Get ready to do what you do best: laugh your heart out!

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something – suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind – but marriage is a real eye-opener.

English is a great language for puns and word games, and as we’ve said before, we’re suckers for puns so bad that they are so good! Enjoy the following jokes, they made us laugh our socks off!

A bicycle can’t stand alone, it is two tired

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A dentist and a manicurist married – they fought tooth and nail.

A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Acupuncture: A jab well done.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all-right now.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said “No change yet”.

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet SMELL and their noses RUN.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Men often make jokes about women. Some of them are even funny.

But now it’s the ladies’ turn…

Why do men become smarter during lovemaking?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why don’t women blink during lovemaking?
They dont’t have enough time.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertize one egg?
Because they don’t stop to ask directions.

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
So they don’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

Why did God make men before women?
You always need a rough draft before you make the final copy.