Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered by Medicare

FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days afterward, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc – ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”’

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.'”

A husband and wife go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child. They are well dressed and well spoken, and the social workers are quite impressed with them. However, when asked about their profession, the couple said that they run a circus.

Hearing that made the social workers raise an eyebrow. It didn’t sound so good to them, an environment with animals, that is moving all the time? Doubts were raised about their suitability as parents.

So the couple produce photos of their 55 foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a large and spotless nursery. The social workers are happy to see this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, proper nutrition and exercise – all that a child requires.”

Their questions met with such excellent answers, the social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What ages were you looking to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as they fit in a cannon.”

A wife was cooking something in the kitchen while the husband was watching a debate in a news channel over a doctor’s sex scandal.

Wife: Why is everyone’s going so mad? Doctors are humans too. Unless the doctor is raping women in his office, I don’t see any problem in having sexual relationship with patients. Common, everyone does this.

Husband: He is a veterinarian.

Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

“Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?