Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A traveling salesman checks into a futuristic motel.

Realizing his hair needs cutting, he calls the desk clerk to ask if there’s a barber on the premises.

“I’m afraid not sir,” the clerk tells him, “but there’s a vending machine down the hall that should be able to help you”.

Intrigued, the salesman finds the machine with the sign HAIRCUTS $10.00.

He is skeptical but puts in $10 and sticks his head in.

The machine starts to whirl and buzz.

Fifteen seconds later, he pulls out his head to reveal the best haircut of his life!

Looking around, he sees another machine with the sign MANICURES $10.00.

“Why not”, he thinks and inserts his hands into the opening. Fifteen seconds later, he pulls them out to find they’re perfectly manicured.

Amazed at this new technology, he reads the sign on the next machine, THIS MACHINE PROVIDES WHAT MEN NEED MOST WHEN AWAY FROM THEIR WIVES $10.00.

He looks around to check there’s no one about, then puts his money into the machine, unzips his fly and eagerly sticks his willy into the machine.

The buzzing starts and the guy shrieks in agony, but he cant escape!

Fifteen seconds later, the machine shuts down and, with trembling hands he withdraws his manhood………….

now with a button neatly sewn on the end!!

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.

When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”

He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

A g‌‌uy s‌‌ends a‌‌ t‌‌ext t‌‌o h‌‌is n‌‌ext-door n‌‌eighbor.

“Bob, I‌‌’m s‌‌orry. I‌‌’ve b‌‌een r‌‌iddled w‌‌ith g‌‌uilt a‌‌nd I‌‌ h‌‌ave t‌‌o c‌‌onfess: I‌‌ h‌‌ave b‌‌een h‌‌elping m‌‌yself t‌‌o y‌‌our w‌‌ife w‌‌hen y‌‌ou’re n‌‌ot a‌‌round, p‌‌robably m‌‌ore t‌‌han y‌‌ou. I‌‌ k‌‌now i‌‌t’s n‌‌o e‌‌xcuse b‌‌ut I‌‌ d‌‌on’t g‌‌et i‌‌t a‌‌t h‌‌ome. I‌‌ c‌‌an’t l‌‌ive w‌‌ith t‌‌he g‌‌uilt a‌‌ny l‌‌onger. I‌‌ h‌‌ope y‌‌ou’ll a‌‌ccept m‌‌y s‌‌incerest a‌‌pology. I‌‌t w‌‌on’t h‌‌appen a‌‌gain.”

Feeling o‌‌utrage a‌‌nd b‌‌etrayed, B‌‌ob g‌‌rabs h‌‌is g‌‌un, g‌‌oes i‌‌nto t‌‌he b‌‌edroom, a‌‌nd w‌‌ithout a‌‌ w‌‌ord, s‌‌hoots h‌‌is w‌‌ife.

Moments l‌‌ater t‌‌he g‌‌uy g‌‌ets a‌‌ s‌‌econd t‌‌ext: “‌‌Really s‌‌hould u‌‌se s‌‌pell c‌‌heck! T‌‌hat s‌‌hould b‌‌e ‘wifi’.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy call girl.

“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?”

The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.

“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard.”

“I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

“Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.”

“We believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.”

“You’re both wrong,” said the rabbi. “Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.”