Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A very proper business lady was on the lot of a Mercedes dealership in her local town.

She strolled through the vehicles until she found a car that caught her eye.

After looking it over for a while she noticed the car was unlocked.

She opened the door, and bent over to touch the soft leather seating.

When she bent over she let out a little gas.

Being the proper businesswoman that she was, she stood up straight, adjusted her suit and looked around to make sure no one heard.

Sure enough a salesman was right behind her.

To change the inevitable conversation she asked, “What is your best price for this model?”

The salesperson without missing a beat said, “Well, lady if you farted just touching it you are going to crap when you hear the price!”

Daddy, how was I born ?

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ‘You got Mail!’

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox.

With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside.

Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox.

Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house.

Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox.

After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious.

When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, “What are you doing?”

She says, “My computer keeps telling me that I’ve got mail.”

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…

as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”

THEN POOF! She was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. “Fred, where are you?”

Fred yells back, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows.”

Dave yells back… “DON’T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!”

A blonde decides to make an experiment.

She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.

It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.

It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.

It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.

Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.

It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.

Spiders with no legs are deaf.