Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, “I see you have already taken your reward.”

The poor man responds, “What are you talking about?” The wealthy man continues, “This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it.”

The two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, “Your Honor, I trust you believe me.”

The Judge says, “Of course.” The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man’s hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. “What are you doing?” the rich man yells angrily.

The Judge responds, “You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I’m sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.”

“What about my money?” the rich man asks.

“Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it.

A woman scanned the guest at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone so she approached him.

“My name is Carmen,” she told him.

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied, “Is it a family name?”

“No! I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most-cars and men.”

“What’s your name?” she asked.

With a smile he replied,

“B.J. Titsenbeer”

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

“That will be $1.08, please,” says the clerk.

“What’s the 8 cents for?” asks the blonde.

“It says one dollar right here on the packaging.”

“Tax,” replies the clerk.

“Gee”, says the blonde,

“I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put.”

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana,  wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to  pay high New Orleans prices.

She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.

Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the  blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand,  with a huge alligator closing in.

She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled  to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several  other dead alligators were lined up.

“Oh, no!” the blonde shouted in dismay.

“This one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer feared that the dog was going deaf.  It wouldn’t come when called,  heel as he had been trained to do nor obey any other  voice commands.

So she took her dog to the vet. The vet examined the dog thoroughly and announced  that there was nothing wrong except the dog had excessive hair growing in its ears which was the cause of his  diminished hearing.

“He can’t hear you, but he is not deaf.  You must treat him with a depilatory.  I haven’t any in stock, but just get some ‘Neet’ or ‘Nair’ at your local pharmacy.  This will work just as well as the doggie brand.”

So the lady went to the nearest pharmacy, located a small bottle of ‘Nair’ and looked over the instructions.  But there was nothing in there pertinent to her dog. So she took it to the pharmacist and asked his advice.

“How do I apply this product?”, she inquired.

“Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?”

The man replied, “For your legs, put it on straight,  right out of the bottle.

For your underarms, I recommend you dilute it 50-50  with water.”

She blushed, “I don’t think you understand,  it’s for my schnauzer.”

“Oh ,yes” replied the pharmacist, peering at her over his spectacles.

“In that case, I suggest you dilute it 3 to 1 with water oh,  and by the way, I wouldn’t ride a bicycle for a few days.”