08/14/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13475
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?”she whispers as she steps into the room.”Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee,”Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?”he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do”she replies.
The husband pauses.The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having sex in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.”she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.”Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter,or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.”she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,”I would have gotten out today.”
08/13/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13472
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin.
He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door.
An old Chinese man opens it.
“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”
“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I”ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.
The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions.
However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was.
“This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself.
So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex.
The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest.
There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.”
The man laughed and thought to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?”
He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it.
It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.”
The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration.
As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground.
It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
08/12/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13469
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I’m coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.
She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread; be back in five minutes.”
08/11/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13465
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:
“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.
“Try doing it with the engine running”
08/10/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13462
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at a casino in Australia.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet $25,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said “I hope you don’t mind but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled “Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop she yelled “YES! YES!, I WON! I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked “What did she roll?”
The other answered “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, Not all blondes are dumb, But all men…are men.