Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.

He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It’s never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it..

When the girls find out, they’ll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, “Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I’m dead meat.” He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy’s lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, “Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!”

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.

All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else – Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. “You’ve done enough, you klutz!”

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, “You did that on purpose, didn’t you?”

Susie whispers back, “I wet my pants once too.”

Moral: All of us go through all good and bad things in life. We should always remember how we felt when we were in same condition and should not mock others for being in it. Always try to understand their situation as if you are in it and help much as possible praying to god that today you are in a condition to help someone who needs it.

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties……and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said, “No!” trying to contain his excitement.

She said, “Check your truck in the garage.”

It was a little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.

She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Kenny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.

She asked “Do you know what it is?”

Kenny replied “No”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”

Little Kenny did so.

The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?”

Little Kenny said “No.”

The teacher said, “I”ll give you a hint it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”

A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “KENNY, SPIT IT OUT… IT’S A PIECE OF ASS.”

Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog’s food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tractor Supply.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say.

Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.

“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,

“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”