Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar. “As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way with the locals. When you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth.”

“Well Angus,” said the Englishman. “At my local pub in London, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman. “Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you step foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another. In fact all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had enough to drink, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house.”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claim. “Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.

“Not myself personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to my sister quite a few times.”

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.

He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”

The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car.

The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area.”

The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.

The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile.

Using the size of the person’s smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

“Twice a day,” the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.

“Once a day, then?” Again the answer is no.

“Twice a week?”

“No.”

“Twice a month?”

“No.”

The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to “once a year.”

The therapist is angry that his theory isn’t working, and asks the man, “What are you so happy about?”

The man answers, “Tonight’s the night!”

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, replied the son of Erin “but it was the Irish who got women involved”

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

“After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it.

Tell me, didn’t you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?” the defense attorney prompted.

“Yes,” she replied, “I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him.”

“And when was that?”

“When he asked for his second cup.