09/18/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13625
Psycologists say that there is one thing humans can never get right.
Hear someone on the phone and portray them exactly how they are.
So a guy dials a wrong number and a girl picks up. Now from her voice he starts to think that this girls is very pretty.
So he starts chatting with her about random stuff and they agree to meet.
Guy: Where do you wanna meet?
Girl: We’ll meet at the juice place.
Guy: Ok but how am I gonna recognize you?
Girl: I’ll be wearing *this* outfit.
Guy: Ok
Girl: How am I gonna recognize you?
Guy: I will be holding a glass of Mango juice
Girl: Ok. What time?
Guy 12 o’clock.
Girl: Ok. 12 o’clock it is.
So the guy goes to the juice place a little before 12 and asks the bartender, ”get me a Mango juice”
Bartender: Sorry Sir but we don’t have Mango juice today.
Guy: O’ come on give me an Orange juice then
Bartender: Sorry sir but we don’t have that either.
Guy: Okay give me something that looks like orange/yellow in colour
Bartender: Sir, we have Lemonade.
Guy: Lemonade? Yeah that will work
So he hold the glass of lemonade waiting for the girl.
She enters the place and the guy quickly recognizes her from the dress and says to himself, ”She ain’t pretty”
So he, you know, tries to ignore her.
She comes up to him and says, ”Are you Chris?”
Guy: Excuse me? Chris? No
Girl recognizes his voice: Yes you are.
Guy: No I am no Chris
Girl: Yes you are. We talked on phone. You said we’ll meet at this place.
Guy: Whats the matter with you woman? Does this look like Mango juice to you?
09/17/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13620
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: “Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady started taking off her clothes…..
Doctor, stopping her: “No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue.”
09/16/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13617
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my Money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed The garden and kept everything tidy, would That get me into heaven?”
Again, the answer was ‘No!’
By now I was starting to smile.
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and Gave sweets t o all the children and Loved my wife, would that get me
Into heaven?”
Again, they all answered ‘No!’
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven ?”
A six year old boy shouted,
“Yuv got tae be fuk*n’ dead”
Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye…
09/15/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13612
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say “It could have been worse.” His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, “Where’s Gary?”
And one of his friends said, “Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”
Joe says, “Well it could have been worse.”
Both his friends said, “How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”
Joe says, “If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”
09/14/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13608
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, “I love you.”
She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
I replied, “It’s me talking to the beer.”