Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said,

“Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”

Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”

Jim says, “Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”

“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”

Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.

One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.

The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.

The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?

He says no, how do you do that?

The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.

So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.

When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know thats going to get hard before you eat all that?

And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and

killed devil itself…

my wife rushes through the room and shouts…

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”