09/08/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13571
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are … the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are … the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
09/07/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13566
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
“It’s Roger. The midget.”
09/06/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13562
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur’s court. He had a long standing obsession – to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King’s chief physician.
Horatio said, “I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes”.
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity.
When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master’s mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen’s magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur’s loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King…
09/05/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13558
An American traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected. Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed. As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering “Yakamoda”, Yakamoda”. Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was.
He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”, “Yakamoda”. He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel. She now screamed deep from her lungs “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”, “YAKAMODA”!
As he finished, he found that she had fainted so he collected his things and left.
The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients. It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole. Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated “Yakamoda” sir.
The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated “what do you mean wrong hole”?
09/04/2020 from Daily Jokes
#13553
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sis,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature…It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water… It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it… However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.