Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack’s liquor store.

One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said,  “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.”

“Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack,  ” I could never do that!  I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”

“Oh, Jack,” she responded,  “it’s only for the Mother Superior.”

Her voice dropped. “It helps her constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy.  Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home.

As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but  Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered.

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and  flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame!  And you told me this was for the Mother  Superior’s constipation!”

Sister Mary Katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied,  “And so it is, me lad, so it is.  When she sees me, she’s gonna shit.”

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.

She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”.

She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”.

“No” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.”

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.

She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.”

The doctor said, Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”

“After examining the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.”

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.

“When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.

“Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.”

IT’S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.

October 9, 1995

A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years — chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR — “head-to-floor distance reduction.” After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: “And in conclusion . . .”

Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm.

After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.

When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, “Was the patient really that bad?”

Richard said, “No, I just didn’t want to be the only idiot called out on a night like this.”