Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde
woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to
determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,
“It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
She turned red, and replied,
“You mean it shows that, too?”

A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

So you want the day off.
Let’s take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have
two days off per week, leaving 251 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have
used up 170 days, leaving only 81 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts
for 23 days a year leaving 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up
another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available.
You normally spend 2 days sick per year, this now only leaves
you 20 days available.
You get 5 days public holidays a year, so your working time is
now down to 15 days a year.
We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year,
which leaves only 1 day available for work.
So if you think you are going to have that day off,
You out of your mind!!!

Two blondes were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.

In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.

None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal.

Mr. Jones says, “does anyone know what sound a cow makes?”

Nobody moves or makes a sound. So MR. Jones explains that cows go moo.

Then he asks what sound a duck makes, and still nobody can answer him. “Ducks go quack,” Mr. Jones says.

Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes. Little Johnny raises his hand to the surprise of Mr. Jones.

“Go ahead johnny. What does a pig say?”

Without hesitation johnny yells out, “Up against the wall motherf_cker!”