Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

“You must take the loyalty oath first,” responded the passport clerk. “Raise your right hand, please.”

The old gal raised her right hand.

“Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?” was the first question.

The little old lady’s face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, “Uhhh… all by myself?”

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half and it snapped with a loud crack.

Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the ‘unbreakable’ comb for everyone to see and said, “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside…”

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, “Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?”

The man replies, “Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods.”

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, “Well man, that’s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up!!” The guy says, “But how long for, I mean I really like peas!”

The doctor replies, “Forever, I’m afraid.”

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he’s at a convention for his employer and is getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, “Well, ashully, I’d love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up, but tonight I’m gonna have one.”

The bartender hears this and says, “Really, I haven’t had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up! But tomorrow I’m going to sneak a quick one.”

The businessman then says, “Thas nuvving, I haven’t ad a pea in 6 years.”

The bartender jumps up screaming, “Okay, everyone who can’t swim, grab a table…”

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes, “Man, you’ve put on some weight since last time!”

Priest: “Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already paid for it.”

Rabbi: “Sure, but the waiter won’t believe you, right?”

Priest: “Of course he won’t. That’s when you tell him how dare he doubt a man of faith? It usually works and you can leave without paying.”

Rabbi: “Very nice, I’ll be trying this.”

Later that day, the rabbi goes to his favorite kosher restaurant. After eating 5 plates, the waiter comes up to him with the bill.

Rabbi: “Oh, I already paid.”

Waiter: “Mmm, I’m pretty sure you did not sir.”

Rabbi: “You know I’m a rabbi, how dare you doubt a man of faith? I told you, I already paid.”

Waiter: “So sorry sir, you are right, it must be some misunderstanding, you’re good to go.”

15 minutes goes by and the rabbi is still at the table. 30 minutes… 45 minutes… 1 hour and he is still there!

The waiter walks up to him, “Sir, why are you still here?”

Rabbi: “Well, I’m waiting for the change!”

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move,” said the broker. “It’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1,000 shares,” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker asked, “To who? You were the only one buying that stock.”