Daily Joke: Jokes Library

And God tells her

“I will answer one question for you.” The woman thinks and then asks

“How long will I live?”

You will live to be 101.” God answers and disappears. The woman wakes up thrilled and after thinking decides to make some life changes.

The first thing she did was dye her hair she always wanted to be a blonde. Then she changes her diet and works out and losses 50 pounds. She has plastic surgery with a tummy tuck, breast implants, lip injections, nose job, and face lift. She is thrilled at the new her and is ready for a long life.

As she is crossing the street a week later she is hit by a bus and killed. She is very upset as she gets to heaven. She looks for God and when she finds him she yells at him

“What The hell God? You said I would live to be 101!”

“Who are you?” God asks.

“Linda, Linda Smith.”

“Oh Linda! Im sorry I didnt recognize you!”

A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year. “Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.””Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”

The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.”Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.”Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. ‟How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. ‟Watch and you will see,” answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective sats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ‟Tickets, please!” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it’s a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. ‟How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. ‟Watch and you will see,” answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ‟Tickets, please!”

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground.
They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine.
Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening.
They listened… and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening.
They listened… and still heard nothing.
Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down.
Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole.
Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here.
The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, “That couldn’t be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!”

A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were
concerned about his rather small mickey.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese.
That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese
in the middle of the table.
“Gee, mom,” the boy exclaimed.
“For me?”
“Just take two,” his mother replied.
“The rest are for your father.”