Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A farmer walks into a lawyer’s office and says: “I’d like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees”
“Yes sir, I believe I can help you” replied the lawyer. “Do you have any grounds?”
“Oh shore do!”, exclaimed the farmer, “Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar.”
“No no…, I mean do you have a case?” asked the lawyer.
“No sur,” replied the farmer, “I drive one of them John Deer’s”
“You don’t understand,” said the lawyer, “You need something like a grudge.”
“Oh!!” said the farmer, “I got me one of those! That’s what I park muh Deer in!”
The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, “Sir, you’ve got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?”
“No sur”, replied the farmer, “I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin.”
Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, “WHY do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, well…” replied the farmer, “She says we jus can’t communicate!!”

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, “Watson, what do you see?”

“Stars and the moon, dear Holmes,” he says.

“What does it mean?” Sherlock asks.

“Well,” says Watson. “It quite simply means that there are billions of gaseous balls burning millions of light years away.”

“No, what does it MEAN?” Sherlock asks.

“Well,” says Watson, “it means we are in the Northern Hemisphere based on the visible constellations.”

“But what does that MEAN?” Asks Sherlock.

“Well, astrologers would tell us we are under the sign of Leo, and the planets Jupiter and Saturn are almost in alignment.”

“But WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??!!!”

“My dear Holmes, I’ve given you three different answers. What more could you possible want to know?”

“Watson, you blithering idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’ ‘There’s something wrong with my d!ck’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said. The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.’ The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,

Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: “Honk if you love God!”

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was in the rush hour. Almost 100 degrees outside. I was at a very busy crossroads, with lots of traffic.

I stopped there, as the traffic light was red, and I decided to thank God for everything he gave me.

Although I didn’t realize that the traffic light had turned green, I found out that there were a lot of people who loved God, because they began to honk… It was wonderful!

The man in the car behind me was, for sure, very religious, as he was honking repeatedly and shouting “For the love of God!”. Just like him, a lot of people began to honk as well. I happily smiled and waved, with my hand out of the car window.

I also noticed that a guy behind me was waving in a very special way, pointing his middle finger at me.

I asked your cousin Alex, who was with me, what that gesture meant.

He told me it was a “Hawaiian salutation”, to wish good luck!

So I began to greet everyone the same way.

Alex was laughing a lot, probably because of the marvelous religious experience he was going through.

Two men got out of their car and walked toward ours. I believe they wanted to pray with me, or perhaps they wanted to know what church I go to. But then I realized that the traffic light was green!

I greeted my brothers and sisters with my Hawaiian salutation and moved forward.

However, I also noticed that my car was the only one that moved, as the light turned red after that.

I felt bad for leaving my beloved brothers and sisters behind after we shared so much love. I stopped, got out of the car, and did my Hawaiian salutation for the last time.

Don’t forget to thank God from the bottom of your heart when you go through something wonderful, such as this marvelous experience I had with all these men and women.

Sincerely,

Your grandmother.

Following Smith’s physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter… another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came…
Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.
On the back of the snapshot he wrote, “The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!”
Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.
Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.
On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, “The reason I can’t pay!”