Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, “They will in a minute.”

At the end of humanity, there were three gentlemen left on the face of the Earth.

The Creator (or whatever divine entity you’d like to place here) descends from the heavens to congratulate the last three survivors.

“You’ve made it to the end my friends.” States the God-being to the three men.

“As reward for this accomplishment, I will create an individual Earth for each of you, filled with your most treasured desire.”

The three gentlemen began to shake with excitement and burst into streaming tears of joy.

“You will have 100 years of good health and no aging, to enjoy these places of chosen paradise. Step forward and state your desire. Your paradise will be filled to the brim!”

The first man, an alchoholic, steps forward and states:

“I want my paradise filled with the best Beer!”

The God-being grants the desire and the paradise is filled with kegs of beer as far as the eye can see.

The second man, a sex addict, steps forward and states:

“I want my paradise filled with young and beautiful people to fulfill my sexual desires!”

Desire granted, and the paradise is filled with young and beautiful people willing to please.

The third man, a stoner, steps forward and states:

“I want my paradise filled with Marijuana!”

It is done. The men are transported to their paradises to enjoy 100 years of pleasure.

At the end of the 100 years the God-being brings them all together again to review how they’ve enjoyed their existence in Paradise.

“My children, please share how you’ve enjoyed your chosen paradise!”

The alcoholic steps forward, shaking uncontrollably.

“It was great at first oh wise one! But eventually all the beer began to go stale, and was disgusting! I haven’t had a drink in at least 90 years!”

The sex addict steps forward, crying with frustration.

“They all AGED! They didn’t stay young and beautiful! It was horrific! Why have you been so cruel to us!?”

The stoner slowly walks forward, shuffling his feet as he goes, defeated.

“Does anyone have a lighter?”

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”

“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.
“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –
‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, Sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says. “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”