Daily Joke: Jokes Library

As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi….. FU***NG SH***T!! god FU***NG DVMN IT!!!  WHAT THE FVCK!!!”

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: “I do apologize, but our new stewardess spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should have seen my pants from the front.”

A passenger in the cabin says, “You should have seen my pants from the back.”

My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory.
So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.

“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?”

“Ahhhh…um….hmmm” he took a second,

“Hmmmm…hold on let me think ermmmm…..it’s….daisy? No that’s not it….it’s petunia? No..no, let me remember….”

“Well is it like….Tulip?” I suggested?

“No, no. That’s not it…some type of flower I think”

“Is it rose?” I asked,

“Yes, Rose! That’s it!” He exclaimed. Then he leaned his head towards the doorway….“Hey Rose! What’s the name of those new memory pills?”

The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels.” He said. “Impressive,” said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. “It’s a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”

“Doctor, Don’t Laugh!” A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to
promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed
at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has
ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first,
then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and
wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient,
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says,
“It’s swollen.”

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”