Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden
she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes
drilled into her shoulder blades for the angel wings.’
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
‘Oh my Goodness,’ says the old lady, ‘now what is happening?’
‘Not to worry,’ says St. Peter, ‘She’s just having her head drilled to fit
the halo.’
‘I can’t do this,’ says the old lady, ‘I’m going to hell.’
‘You can’t go to that nasty place,’ says St. Peter. ‘You’ll be raped and
forced to do oral sex.
‘Maybe so,’ says the old lady, but I’ve already got the holes for that.’

A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with lovely legs, lovely smiles and and great personalities.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.

A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.

A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?”

The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance.

The blonde says “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the guy on your lap.”

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn’t want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, “The world’s strongest weight lifter,” and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

“Thanks for the treat!” It was signed, “The world’s fastest runner.”