Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny had not studied for his life science exam.
The teacher in the one room school house was giving
an oral exam.
“What are the four main advantages of breast milk?” she asked.
“No need to boil.” called one student.”
And another?” the teacher questioned.
“It never goes sour.” said another child.
“Correct.” said the teacher.
“It is available whenever is necessary.” called out another.
“Johnny.” she asked. “Do you have the last answer?”
“Sure,” he said.
“It is available in attractive containers of varying sizes.”
He got an “A”.

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

and quite possibly:

4. There’s a reason why you should go with the flow?

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it’s his wife’s birthday today.
At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs.
Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.
He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it.
He’ll wait in the kitchen.
His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before.
She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’ll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.
She calls out, ‘Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.’
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ‘All that money and they didn’t even iron it.’

Little Johnny’s neighbours had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”
“Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.
The mother proudly replied, “Yes… we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision“
Little Johnny replied, “That’s great….cuz he’d be f****ed if he needed glasses.”

A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor’s exam, just gleaming with happiness.
Her husband, being a grump, asked: “What’s got you so happy!?”
The woman says, “The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the breasts of a 20 year old!!”
The husband scoffs.
Then asked, “Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old ass!?”
She responds, “I don’t know. He never asked about you.”