Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven.
He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking.
Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
“Man, I’d sure like to make love that!”
“This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud.”
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man
all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
“Geez, I’d love to bang that!”
“Fine, just take her behind the white cloud.”
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
“Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!”
“OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud.”
He gets back and sets down.
“This is great! But I really have to take a shit!”
“Go behind the white cloud” the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
“What do I wipe with?”
“Just use some of the white cloud” The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife
has made him breakfast.
“I had the wildest dream last night!” He says to his wife.
“You’re telling me!
You fucked me three times, shit on the pillow, and
wiped your ass with the sheets!”

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around.
Just because I’m a blonde does not mean I’m automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year – namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves… There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
I have not heard anything back.
I bet he felt like an idiot….

The subway car was packed.
It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind
her and said,
“Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going
to the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss that’s just my pay
check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” she spat. “Then you must have some job,
because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”

My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since…
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee…..
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…….

There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and
found herself in a rural area.
She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and
stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in
a patient tone:
“Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw.
Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’
a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in,
and that stops ’em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
“But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am,
is ’cause it’s a horse.”