Daily Joke: Jokes Library

“I’ll do whatever I can for my constituents”

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, “I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during
the next commercial,
“You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a
Christmas card from them this year.”

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Mum!”
“Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!”

An important executive was telling friends at his country club
about some of his life experiences:
“So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I took
it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk.”
“Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another
plane on the field and burned up.”
“Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home
than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to
divorce her.”
“So what’s the moral?” one of the others asked.
“Clear as a bell,” said the old man.
“If it swims, flies, or fxcks, ….lease it, …don’t buy it.”

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first Pastor said, “Ya know,since summer started I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in the basementof the church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won’t go away.”

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptised all mine and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”