Daily Joke: Jokes Library

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven.’ ‘Great!’ said the couple.

‘But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted. ‘It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.”

“When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.”

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife — she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. “Well, Mister, I told her!”

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners.

The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman.

The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, “Is it long enough?”

She replies, “It could be a bit longer I suppose.”

So the alien man slaps himself on the forehead a few times and it grows longer!

Then he asks her, “Is it wide enough?” and again she says. “I guess it could be just a bit wider.”

So he starts tugging at his own ears and it gets a bit wider.​

An hour or so later the human couple get together to discuss.

The man asks the woman, “So how was your experience with the alien man?

Be honest!” She says “Honestly? No offense to you, but that was the single greatest sexual experience of my life.

What about you and the alien woman?”

The man replies, “Don’t get me wrong, it was good and all but she kept slapping me in the head and pulling at my ears really hard.”

A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.

The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’

The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’

‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’. Satisfied, the wife apologised to her husband.

Several days later the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him and snacks him over the head.

‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?’, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain.

The wife tossed the phone at him and said ‘Your horse called’.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their manhood through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his mickey through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”