03/12/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15785
The neighbors are very annoyed by the moans. A new couple moved to a very quiet neighborhood. Each night they had sex they make a lot of noises and a lot of moans. The neighbors are starting to feel angry and annoyed and they want to ask the couple to be quiet but they didn’t have the courage to ask such request. So they told the priest of their city to talk to the couple.
The priest went to the couple and told them that he is happy for them for having a lot of fun in their marriage and ask them to be more quiet and make less noises when having sex and told them that jesus will be happy if they do so. (The priest lives in the same neighborhood and the man wants to make sure that he is not making a lot of noises)
So the night when the couple start having sex the man start yelling :Father it’s okay like that or you want me to be more gentle. Father i want to make jesus happy tell me if am doing it right . You are such a good Priest thank you for coming by and showing me the true love of jesus .
The priest in his house listening to the man yelling and screaming his name so he went to the couple house and told the women: Please start moaning and screaming with all your forces. All the neighbors think that your husband is having sex with me.
03/11/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15782
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately..
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.
03/10/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15779
Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..
He approaches the old man and asks.. “good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?”
The old man replies “I’m waiting for my son, he should be along soon.”
Jesus thinks for a second and asks “will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him.”
The old man sighs and says “Sadly, we lost touch when he was young.. I know he was a carpenter like I was, I know he was quite famous and people followed him around. People told stories about him. They wrote a book about him and there was even talk of miracles…”
Jesus stood stunned.. carpenter? miracles?… He looked at the old man as tears swelled in his eyes…
“Dad?” The old man rose slowly, tears running down his cheeks as he held out his arms and said “Pinocchio? “
03/09/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15776
Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.
“So how’s your home life?” asks the first multimillionaire.
“Couldn’t be better,” replies the second multimillionaire.
“I bought an elephant!”
“An elephant? Are you crazy?”
“It’s the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride him and slide down his trunk, so now they are playing outside and being kids instead of just watching TV all day. My wife loves him too. He’s very strong and helps her move things when I’m not around. Honestly, I can’t think of a better pet.”
The first multimillionaire thinks for a moment. “That’s actually kind of amazing. How much did you pay for him?”
“Five hundred thousand dollars. What a bargain, huh?”
“Can I buy him for one million dollars?”
“What?! I can’t sell him. He’s part of my family now!”
“Okay. Two million?”
“You can’t put a price on something so useful!”
“Three million?”
“Fine. I’ll sell him for three million dollars, but only because you’re my friend.”
A few months later, the multimillionaires meet again.
The first multimillionaire is raging.
“The elephant may have been useful to you, but he’s a burden to me. He may have grazed your lawn, but he ate all my trees and left dung all over my lawn. The kids are terrified of that huge, noisy, aggressive thing. My wife and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months because the elephant keeps us awake. It’s the worst purchase I ever made!”
“I don’t know what to say,” says the second multimillionaire. “But with that attitude, you’ll never be able to sell him!”
03/08/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15773
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be…
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”