Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.

He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s manhood was larger than the shaft.

After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.

After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings, conducted their own study.

After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and many pints of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “You appear quite elderly to be driving.”

“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.”

He asked “How do you know?”

“The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license.

I told him, yes and handed it to him.”

He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

‘You won’t need this anymore.’

So I thanked him and left!

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.

She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.

The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…

What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!

After getting Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.’

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The President?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’