Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.

He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.

However, he sent it with the following instruction:

“When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.”

When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.

She started putting the food inside her small house.

The Secretary then asked her,

”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?”

The woman replied,

”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question – and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came homewith her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’

The father replied,

‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Two medical students were walking along the street.

When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

“I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says:

“No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him,

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said,

“You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him,

“Well, old-timer, what do you have?”

The old man said,

“I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

An avid old golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man.
“My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc,” says the old man, “as long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the old man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the old golfer.
“I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the old golfer,
“My handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours. “
“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon,
“I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just two, said the old golfer,
“I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,

“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.

“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.

” Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.

“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.

“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”