Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question – worth 500 points!

“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.

“Rudolph!” he said confidently, “and, …Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”

“You know,” the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane.

Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind.

There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit.

More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.

The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff.

As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway.

The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway.

The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

A man goes to a Doctor’s Office about his manhood.

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

“Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn’t easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won’t laugh”

“Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven’t once laughed at a patient. I’ve seen all manners of shapes and sizes, you can trust that I shall remain professional and courteous”

The man, satisfied with her response, dropped his trousers to around his knees, exposing the tiniest manhood the nurse had ever seen (no larger than a AAA battery), and with that, she couldn’t contain her laughter. Instantly and without warning she was rolling around on the floor, tears streaming down her face as she laughed. After about 5 minutes (possibly the longest 5 minutes of the man’s life) she finally managed to stand up and compose herself.

“I’m so terribly sorry sir. Please forgive me, that was wholly unprofessional. Now, what seems to be the issue”

“It’s swollen…”

They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson&Hedges”.

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: “Extra Long King Size.”

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean.

Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.

Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways”.

Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.

The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.” (Mom fainted)

A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train

that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.

As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly

walked through the coaches warning passengers,

“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”

The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.

After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch

He should have told me to look in!”