Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve.

They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven.

On entering they are told that they must present something “Christmassy.” in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas tree.

He is let in.

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night.

So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

To which he replies, “Oh, . . . They’re Carol’s.”

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s.

One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, “What are you in here for, buddy?”

“I’m in big trouble,” he said. “My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats. Now he’s having me put to sleep.”

“I know how you feel,” said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn’t help myself–I crapped all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep, too.”

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.

“So what are you in here for?” they asked.

“Well,” said the third dog. “My owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!”

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, “So she’s having you put to sleep too, huh?”

“No,” said the third dog. “I’m having my nails clipped.”

My neighbor has been complaining that my dog has been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar, that way when the dog barks, it shot out a blast of citronella under their nose and they don’t like it. This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella…And that’s where my morning should have ended. But no, it’s me, and I began to become curious as to how said collars work.
Now I’m standing in my backyard “barking” at my dog’s collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I’m not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did; I put on the collar. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.

I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity.I’m now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is now barking. So between coughing and yelling at the dog to shut up, I’ve emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I’m trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that crazy (inhumane) thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! She was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. Between gasps, she tells me,”I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you’d set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn’t make it” So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok,we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn’t be smelling like ode de’ Tiki Torch.

So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don’t fill the collar before trying to set it off and B. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!

A woman passed her daughter’s room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi brator.

Shocked, she asked why??

The daughter replied: mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone.

Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene.

To his query,the daughter again said: dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from  shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room.

On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vi brator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: What the fvck are you doing?

The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law.