Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly man named Mr Lambert was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed.

So he went and opened the door to turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked,

“Is someone in your house?” and Mr Lambert said,

“No,” and explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were very busy, that there was no one available and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

Mr Lambert said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore because I’ve just shot them all. Goodnight”.

Then he hung up. Within 60 seconds three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to Mr Lambert,

“I thought you said that you’d shot them?!”

Mr Lambert said,

“I thought you said there was nobody available?!”

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”

“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.”

“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home. “Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”

It’s a regular day at the hospital when a Blonde woman comes into the burn ward with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor in charge had never seen an injury quite like it. “How did you get both sides burnt like that?” He asked her.

She says, “well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.”

“Well that explains one ear,” said the doctor, his eyebrows raised as high as they can get, “but what about the other ear??” “Well, I had to call an ambulance, didn’t I?”

Morris a ninety-year-old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.

He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.

After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in s*x recently.

The old man said, “Sure did!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

“Yes,…but why?”

“Well you’d better get over there… you’re about to cum.”

For several months, a woman’s husband had been in and out of a coma, but she had remained at his bedside every day.

When he awoke one day, he signaled for her to approach him.

He said to her as she sat by him, his eyes welling up with tears;

” What do you think?
You’ve been there for me through everything.
You were there to support me when I was fired, and you were there when my business failed.
You were by my side when I was shot.
You stayed right here when we lost the house.
You were still by my side when my health began to deteriorate.”

“What exactly, dear?”

” she inquired softly, smiling as her heart began to warm.

“I believe you are a cursed.”