Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.

One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!” The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”

The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.”

The men laugh.

The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!”

The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?” The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy.”

The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.”

The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”

The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool…”

A small town man decides to go to the city. He’s a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there’s nothing for it and heads in.

Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are.

“Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn’t make any bread, John makes it for him.” The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks “is it as good as yours?” With a small grin he replies “No, mine is better!” And off he went to get the bread.

Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. “Why this is Ted’s Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn’t make any beer, Ted makes it for him.” The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks “is it as good as yours?” With a bigger grin he replies “no, mine is better!” and off he went to get some beer.

At their final stop, the butcher’s shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. “So then Dad…” his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly. “Yes that’s right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn’t made any sausages….” he trails off. “… Tom makes them for you?” She asks hesitantly. “Yes that’s right! You are a smart one!” He exclaimed. “And yours are better!!” She shouts. Beaming with pride he says “Exactly!” And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom.

On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. “Hey Dad!” Exclaimed the little one. “It’s Pete the Postman!” “Yes that’s right” said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued “but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can’t do what Pete does.” “Oh yes!” she replied, “Mum says so too!”

I’ve lived a few years in my home, and the pretty neighbour next door and I always flirted with each other, despite her being married.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said: “I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg…” At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.

“Don’t sweat it, neighbor! I’m on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task.”

The husband accepted the offer gladly.

I don’t want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me. But, bad luck… We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.

The neighbor, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, with my brush on the wall, painting. Screaming, he shouts at me:

“What the heck is this? You started painting in my bedroom, and NAKED?”

“Hey buddy, I’m working for free, so I start wherever I want!”

“But naked?” “You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?”

“And with a boner, you bastard?”

“And just where am I going to hang the darn bucket!?!”

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.

I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;

And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”

I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;

And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.

He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”

Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;

But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,

And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),

and my glasses identify people I meet.

Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.

You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.

You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.

Washing my hair has turned it all white,

But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.

My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”

My car has no scratches… not even a dent.

Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”

My friends all get older… much faster than me.

They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.

I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,

But don’t call me old… just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they’re building today

Are so high that they take… your breath all away;

And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.

That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,

And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.

I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,

I’m not really old… I’m only mature!

Kevin gets a New Secretary.

A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions.

Emma (Kevin’s wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?”

Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice.”

Emma: “What color are her eyes?”

Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check.”

Emma: “What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?”

Kevin: “Not a clue in the world.”

Emma: “Does she have a local accent?”

Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”

Emma: “How does she dress?”

Kevin: “Very quickly.”

Kevin’s funeral will be held on Tuesday.