03/24/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15830
An elderly man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test:
“Here is your first question.” The foreman says.
“Without using numbers, represent the number nine?”
“Without numbers?”
The old man says. “That’s easy.”
And he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” The boss asks.
“Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.” Says the old man.
“Fair enough.” Says the boss.
“Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99?”
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back.
The boss scratches his head and says.
“How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s a dirty tree plus a dirty tree plus a dirty tree. That makes 99.”
“All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100?”
The old man stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back.
The boss looks at the man’s picture.
“You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred?”
The old man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers.
“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”
03/23/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15827
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
‘Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said,
‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said,
‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said,
‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
03/22/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15824
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
03/21/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15821
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned,
“Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
“Ohhh my God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”
03/20/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15817
It was Saturday evening in the nursing home:
An old man, who was feeling rather frisky, looked over and said to the old lady sitting next to him.
“I know just what you’re wanting! I will give you $5 if you let me have s** with you over there in that rocking chair.”
The old lady looked surprised, but she didn’t say a word and just kept rocking away in her chair.
Frustrated at her lack of response, the old man continued.
“For $10 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there.”
There was still no response from the old lady, so he went all-in with his final offer.
“For $20 I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.”
The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple of minutes, she started digging down in her purse.
She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up to the old man.
His eyes lit up at this.
“So you want the nice romantic evening in my room.” The old man asked her.
“Get serious.” She replied. “I want it four times in the rocking chair!”
And here I thought life in the nursing home consisted of watching television, line dancing and dodging puddles of pee. Maybe it’s not so bad after all….🤣