05/21/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16024
A girl is walking through a cemetery at night.
She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.
Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again – tap, tap, tap.
She screams and starts running down the path. After a while she stops to catch her breath. “This is silly” she thinks to herself “there must be a rational explanation.”
She slowly retraces her steps and walks towards the direction of the sound – tap, tap, tap.
There, sitting on a grave, is a gentle old man with a small hammer and chisel. He is tapping out an inscription on the tombstone.
“Phew! You scared me” the girl says, relieved upon seeing him. “What are you carving there?”
The old man turns to her and smiles. “I’m just correcting the spelling of my name”
05/20/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16021
The devil welcomes him and says:”Let me show you around a little bit.” They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. “This is your house now, here are your keys.” The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:”No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!”
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. “These are your cars now!” and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says “Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?”.
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says “Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!”
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil “What is going on there?” The devil just shrugs and says: “Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way”
05/19/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16017
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“ Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
05/18/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16013
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
05/17/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16011
For her husband’s birthday, the wife decides to accompany him to a strip club.
“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” the doorman greets them as they enter the club.
His wife is perplexed and inquires if he has ever visited this club.
“Oh no,” Dave exclaims.
“He’s a member of my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he wants his normal drink and offers him a Budweiser.
“How could she know you drink Budweiser?” his wife asks, getting increasingly uncomfortable.
“Honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League, and we’re on the same lanes as them.”
“Hi Davey. Want your customary table dance, big boy?” says a stripper as she walks over to their table and wraps her arms around Dave.
Furious, Dave’s wife grabs her handbag and walks out of the club.
Dave is following her and notices her getting into a taxi.
He rushes in beside her before she can slam the door.
He tries desperately to explain why the stripper mistook him for someone else, but his wife isn’t buying it.
She’s yelling at him and calling him every name in the book.
“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave,” the cabbie remarks, turning his head.