11/16/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15423
Dead Penguins – I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
11/15/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15421
Son Says: Daddy, how was I born?
Dad Says: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway…
Mom and dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad’s memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared.
And that’s the story.
11/14/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15419
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.
The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out …” and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?” she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed “Good God all mighty.”
The minister said “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to …” and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?”
The wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted “Jesus Christ.”
The Minister said “That’s right, that’s Right” and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to …” and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?”
The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said, “If you stick that damn thing in me again I’ll break it off.”
11/13/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15417
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.”
So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab…
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.
11/12/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15415
A blonde’s car gets a flat tyre on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers…
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer…
“Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.