Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle.

Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name Onestone.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, Good morning, Onestone.

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, Good to see you,Onestone.

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???You can’t kill Two Birds With OneStone!

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, “I’m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour.

But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack.

I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.”

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,” said the elf in charge of the workshop.

“One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick.

I’m afraid we only have four elites tonight.””So be it,” said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys.

By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.

Finally, the sack was full.

Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh.

But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting.

So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.

He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.

It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh.

By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.

Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched.

Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer.

But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.

“Oh no!” he said. “Some of the reindeer may have escaped!”Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away.

To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns.

Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.

Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth.

Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems.

Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer.

He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.

But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them.

By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.

Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight.

Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.

“Good evening, Santa,” said the angel. “Where do you want me to put this?”

And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!

‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who’s the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,”

He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

“What happened?” asked the other vampires.

“Did you see that house over there?” he inquired.

The others nod their heads.

“Well… I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!” he replied.

“Wow, fascinating!”, replied the other two.

Then the second one takes the next turn, “Watch and learn, guys!”

He flies even faster, at about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck

“What happened??” they asked.

“Do you see that village over there?” he inquired.

The others nod their heads.

“Well… I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!”

“Wow, amazing!”, replied the other two.

Finally the last one steps up and says, “Don’t blink or you’ll miss it”

He flies really fast, even faster than the other two, at about 140 miles/hour. After mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.

“Wh..what did you do???” they asked.

“Do you see that big ass tree over there?” he inquired

“Ye..yes?!” they replied awestruck.

“Well.. I didn’t”

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

“May I speak to your parents?”

“They’re busy.”

“Oh. Is anybody else there?”

“The police.”

“Can I speak to them?”

“They’re busy.”

“Oh. Is anybody else there?”

“The firemen.”

“Can I speak to them?”

“They’re busy.”

“So let me get this straight — your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”

“Looking for me.”