Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking: “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”

The old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.” As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the old lady: “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”

She answered … “The teeth.”

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town.

Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night.

When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn.

The farmer goes to bed inside, and was on the verge of sleep when he hears a knock at the door.

Slightly annoyed, he goes and opens the door.

The Hindu is at the door with his bedroll and says: “My deepest apologies, but I’ve just realised there is a cow in the barn. In my religion, cows are sacred and I learned growing up that it is presumptuous to sleep on the same ground as them. Would you mind if I slept inside?”

The farmer is understanding and allows him to sleep in a spare room.

He goes back to bed and is again on the verge of sleep when another knock arrives.

Disgruntled, he goes to the door and finds the Muslim there with his bedroll.

The Muslim says: “I’m terribly sorry but I’ve realised there is a pig in your barn. In my religion we consider pigs to be unclean, and I feel it would be impious of me to sleep on the same ground as one. May I sleep inside?”

The farmer is frustrated, but again understand and allows the Muslim in.

Only the lawyer is left in the barn. Once more, the farmer is on the verge of sleep but hears a knock at the door. Furious, he stomps to the door, throws it open and is on the verge of shouting when he is brought up short. The cow and the pig are at the door.

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here.

He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life.

He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

He skids on the road and crashes into a ditch.

He gets out unharmed and looks at his car in dismay.

A few minutes later an Amish man comes riding by in a horse and buggy.

The Amish man stops and asks, “Would you like some help, English?”.

The man quickly says he would, and just as quickly the Amish man dismounts and ties his horse to the car.

“Alright Nelly, pull!”. The horse remains motionless. “Now you Chester, Pull!”. The horse again, does nothing. “Come Blacky, pull!”.

Finally the horse takes some steps and effortlessly pulls the car out of the ditch and back onto the road.

“Woah, Blacky, that’s good!”, the Amish man calls and the horse stops.

The motorist shakes the Amish man’s hand and says, “I really appreciate the help, but why did you call that horse by three different names?”

“Oh, the Amish man says, that horse is blind. He’s easily strong enough to do it, you see, but if he thought he was doing it alone he wouldn’t even try.”

A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband.

She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked.

“Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seductively.

The husband, looking sad and dejected, drops his pants, and says “Sweetheart, look what the Germans blew away.”