Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,

“Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”

His wife looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said,

“Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.”

“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard!

You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed.

“Oh sh!t, it’s started.”

A Bear A Wolf And A Moose Fall Into A Pit

This Will Make You Laugh Silly…

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit

After a couple of days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says

“Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple of days without food. You understand, right?”

The moose says

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”

The wolf says “Of course”

So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail.

Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.

The wolf is killed instantly.

The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says

“I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”

One Sunday morning, an old lady headed to church late.

Because she couldn’t find her hearing aid.

As she was late and did not want to be noticed, she sat in the back, next to a teenager.

The pastor began his preaching.

To have an example of what he was preaching, he asked,

“Everyone who has committed the sin of adultery, stand up.”

The old lady was wondering why everybody went quiet suddenly and asked the teenager what the pastor just said.

He answered that the pastor asked of people who wanted mints to stand up.

Our nice old lady stood up, without a care in the world.

The pastor was outraged, he demanded to know why she had stood up.

To that, the old lady responded,

“I may be old and toothless, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”

Three old men – Bert, Arnie and Harry – was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.

Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”

Arnie shook his head and said:

“No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a pu$sycat compared to an alligator.”

“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”

Harry thought for a moment before saying:

“As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”

Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,

“There’s no such creature.”

“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”

“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.

“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”

“He doesn’t,” said Harry.

“That’s what makes him so mean.”Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.

Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.

But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.

When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.

A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.

The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.

When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.

One cow says,

“Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”

The two bulls laugh and reply,

“We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”