Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day.

As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards,

They happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman.

Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again.

But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, “My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone…

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard!

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed

Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘im-peckable’ (term woodpeckers like to use).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘im-peckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After many woodpeckers pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

One Day the lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to an elephant and asks,

“Have you seen my tool?”

Elephant replies: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Elephant: “Sorry, I haven’t seen it, try mouse.”

So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Mouse: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Mouse: “Sorry mate, I’ve not seen it, try croc.”

So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Croc: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Croc: “Sorry I’ve not seen it, try Jaguar.”

So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Jaguar: “Of course, I ate it.”

Lion: “Why did you do that?”

Jaguar: “Well I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar.”

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it:

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.

The male rat again ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students.

“This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?”

Then, one of the students from the back rows said.

“Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up, his finger pointing towards the student and said….

“You just got an A.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said,

“My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said,

“That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said,

“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said,

“Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,”

so she called on him.

Johnny said,

“My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t!ts are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.