Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A beautiful woman approaches him.

The woman asks the man, “How would you like to get out of here?” and the man is stunned.

He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him, so he agreed.

They both get into his car and drive really far.

He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city.

Within seconds they start taking off their clothes.

After minutes of passionately making love they finally finish.

They both put their clothes on and just sit there awkwardly.

The woman speaks up and says “I’m a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service.”

The man is stunned and saddened that she didn’t really like him.

He gives her the money and she tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies “I’m a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back.”

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole.

Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had a stick.

Susie’s father stated “you have a garage and Johnny is just a sports car trying to park.  Don’t let him park in your garage!”

So a few days pass and sure enough, Johnny and Susie are playing naked again — when Johnny proudly stands up and says “Susie, let me park my Ferrari in your garage”, to which she refuses.

Johnny continues to insist on parking his Ferrari until Susie has had enough and goes home.

When Susie gets home, her mother asks “Susie… what’s all that red stuff on your hands?” To which Susie replied:“Johnny tried to park his Ferrari in my garage, so I ripped the back wheels off”

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine once and looking outside from his car’s windows. Suddenly, he saw two men along the roadside, and upon close observation, he saw that they were busy eating grass.

The lawyer was very disturbed to see such a sight, and he ordered his driver to stop the car right away. As soon as the limousine stopped, he stepped out to investigate the matter.

“Why are you eating grass?” asked the wealthy lawyer to one of the two men.

The poor men were startled to see the lawyer and his limousine, and one of them replied to his question, “We don’t have any money for food, so we have to eat grass.”

The wealthy lawyer was moved by the poor men’s desolate condition and wanted to help them however he could. So he looked at them with a smile on his face and said, “Well, then. You can come with me to my house, and I’ll feed you.”

Upon hearing the lawyer’s offer, the poor men were relieved. However, one of them was busy processing his thoughts, and he said to the lawyer, “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” replied the lawyer.

He then turned to the other poor man and said, “You can also come with us.”

The other man was struggling with something as well and proceeded in a pitiful voice, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” said the wealthy lawyer.

So eventually, the two poor men entered the limousine with their families, which was a cumbersome task, even for a car as large as the limousine. The wealthy lawyer then asked his driver to get going.

On their way, one of the poor men was very impressed with the lawyer’s act of kindness and wanted to thank him. So he turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

“Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!” replied the lawyer.

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said

The old man sighed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..

And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”

“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.

The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.

I did the only think I could!

I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.

But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know they’re dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”

“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.

The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,

“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”