12/26/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15540
His wife asks him “So what happened?”
The husband explains “I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself ‘what would happen if I stuck my manhood inside the pickle slicer?’”
The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn’t know what to say next. Eventually she says to him “That was an incredibly stupid and unsafe thing to do but at least you’re all in one piece.”
The husband appreciates his wife’s response and says “I suppose you’re right.”
To lighten the mood the wife asks cheerfully “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”
The husband takes a moment and says “Oh, she was fired too.”
12/25/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15537
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
the young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
12/24/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15534
A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says “piano player wanted”
He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he’d like to apply for the job.
The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he’s got.
The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard.
He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.
Deeply moved, the manager asks him what the name of the piece is.
The man says “Well it’s an original work of my own composition. I call it the I fvck your sister in the a$$ and came all over her bosom in D minor.”
Slightly taken aback, the manager says, “Oh. Do you know any other songs?”
The man plays another one even more beautiful than the first.
The manager excuses himself to step outside and collect himself.
When he comes back, he asks for the name.
The man tells him it’s another original he calls “How the hell did I get dog shit all over my nuts blues.”
“Look.” The manager says, “I’m going to hire you because quite frankly, you’re the best piano player I’ve ever heard.
On one condition though; never tell the patrons the names of the songs you’re playing.”
The man agrees, they shake hands, and he starts that very night.
He’s killing it on the stage while the customers are both enjoying their dinner and being moved to tears at his masterful playing.
At one point in his set, he has to go to the bathroom.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be taking a short intermission. Please enjoy your dinner and I will be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and takes his piss.
In his rush to get back to the stage, he forgets to pull his pants up as he rushes out of the bathroom.
As he’s walking out the door, a guy is coming in and tells him “Hey. Do you know your pants are down and your manhood is hanging out?”
“Know it?” The man says, “What do you think I’ve been playing the last twenty minutes?”
12/23/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15531
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.
“Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey.
Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
12/22/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15528
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”