Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three old men – Bert, Arnie and Harry – was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.

Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”

Arnie shook his head and said:

“No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a pu$sycat compared to an alligator.”

“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”

Harry thought for a moment before saying:

“As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”

Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,

“There’s no such creature.”

“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”

“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.

“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”

“He doesn’t,” said Harry.

“That’s what makes him so mean.”Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.

Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.

But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.

When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.

A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.

The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.

When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.

One cow says,

“Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”

The two bulls laugh and reply,

“We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”

When an old man died the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased during his funeral.

“The man you see lying here today was a Godly man…Back in the days, he could come at church just to pray for his family. He could spare some time at least twice a week just to do some chores here at the church. “

“He has helped this church grow in so many ways that words alone aren’t enough to quantify his remarkable work. Most of us today lack the passion and love that he had for the church.”

The congregation was just silent listening with keen interest as the preacher continued,

“among the wolves, he was the sheep. And above all that, he was a wonderful friend and a blessing among his friends and relatives. He was a faithful and good husband to our wonderful sister over there. Our brother was a man of honour. He treasured his wife and kids. He could trade them for nothing in this world. He was kind, faithful and a loving husband..”

The widowed wife started to sob again.

The pastor, knowing that he had touched the widow’s soul continued to preach with his voice rising with every word,

“in fact, he was among the marriage counsellors’ committee in this church. He has helped save many marriages which were on the verge of being broken. He had sowed love where there was hatred..”

By this time, the widow had stood up walking towards the casket of her late husband when some of her relatives gripped her, “sit back down, the pastor is still preaching…” they said.

“No, I need to check if my husband is the one inside that casket,” she said.

“What?” Everyone was surprised.

The lady composed herself and gave the pastor a blank stare,

“Excuse me pastor, but are you at the right funeral?”

“Excuse me?” wondered the pastor shocked.

“Listening to your preaching about my husband for the past thirty minutes, I sure believe you have no idea who he was. My husband never went to church, if he did, he’d steal that day’s collection and spend it on women. I see you’re still in the dark that he was the reason why your wife attempted numerous times to leave you. By the way, everyone knows that Esther and John aren’t your children. Ask your wife, she’s had three abortions for him…”

That’s how the pastor fainted…

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes.

“Hello, toes.”, he said.

“How are you? You know, you are92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees.”, he continued.

“How are you? You know you’re 92 today.

Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade?

Oh, the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.”

Then, he looked down at his cr0tch.

“Hello, W!llie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you’d be 92!!.

Little Johnny Talks About the Birds and the Bees

Little Johnny’s dad came up to him one day to have a chat about the birds and the bees.

“Please stop, dad! I really don’t want to know!” yelled Little Johnny.

Confused by this sudden outburst, his dad asked him what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” Johnny sobbed.

“At age six you told me the Easter Bunny didn’t exist. At seven, you told me the truth about the tooth fairy, and at eight you stripped away my belief in Santa Claus. If you now tell me that grown-ups don’t really have s*x, then I’ve got nothing left to live for!”