Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife

“Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your b**t!”

His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

‘ What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom,

‘ why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker…

‘it’s not talcum powder……it’s ‘Miracle Grow’

In a convent in Kenya , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it:

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips.
The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader…..

“Mother.” The nuns asked earnestly.
“Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
“DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

An elderly woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round,

she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The elderly woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They’re totally amazed.

They can’t figure her out.

She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her,

“How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The old lady blushes and grins.

“When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”

“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his w!llie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says,

“What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.

To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.

The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.

After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says

“Humm, buffalo come.”

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.

He is confused and says to the Indian,

“I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”

The Indian replies,

“Ear sticky.”

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front.

He was on a very crowded train and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it.

He said, “Please, madam, I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”

The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck,

so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said,

“Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.”

At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.

An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said,

“You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”