10/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16461
As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside.
Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied:
‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
He asked her what she was doing,
The daughter said:
‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
When she went in she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked:
‘What the heck are you doing?’
To which the husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
09/30/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16458
There was once a bull; his name was Billy big balls.
Anyway, Billy lived on a farm all by himself and was really lonely until one day a man was walking by the farm and out of excitement Billy ran jumped over the fence and said hello
I’m Billy big balls.
The man took no notice of him and kept walking.
The next day the man walked past the farm again and of course, Billy big balls ran jumped over the fence and said hello I’m Billy big balls.
With these incidents happening, the farmer was starting to get pretty upset so he built a fence 4ft higher.
Next day the same thing again, the farmer was amazed and built the fence 6ft higher.
Next day Billy big balls jumped over the fence again and said hello I’m Billy big balls to the man passing by.
By now the farmer was completely pissed and made the fence 10ft higher and out of barbwire.
The next day the man came down walking past the farm and Billy’s big balls came running and jumped over the fence and said hello
“I’M BILLY”
09/29/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16455
The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words,
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon……day
Does anyone know another word?
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says ” I know a four-syllable word, pick me…..”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
“O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “Mas…tur…ba…tion.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
“Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful”
No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that’s only two syllables.
09/28/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16452
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy. “What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
09/27/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16448
An 80-year-old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says
“I want to get a tattoo”.
The artist hesitantly replies
“Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”
Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh”
Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”
Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”
Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”
Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”
Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!