Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old cattle farmer is being helped by the local vet with his herd of cows and bulls.

It is breeding season and some of his older bulls are having a bit of a hard time performing.

These are top-of-the-line studs, but age is finally catching up with the bulls.

The farmer laments to the vet

“Well, I guess it looks like these old boys are going to be sent off to the meatpackers this year”

He is none too happy, but cattle life is rough and you have to keep the herd growing.

The vet looks over the older bulls

“Mmm, I don’t know if they are that far gone yet, do you mind if I try something out?”

The farmer agrees and the vet gets to work.

He begins working his hands into the waiting cow’s nether regions, getting his hands all sloppy when he is good and dripping, he approaches the bulls and starts to smear the goop on their noses.

He does this a couple of times and wouldn’t you know it, the bulls begin to become aroused and within moments they are chasing after the cows.

The farmer is delighted and he pays the vet a little extra for the new trick.

Come that evening he is laying in bed with his wife, it has been a pretty long time since they have had s*x, the spirit is willing but his flesh has grown weak.

As he lays there in the dark, he begins to think about his day and soon he is struck with the similarity between himself and the old bulls.

So he reaches over and begins to rub his wife’s vag!na, brings his hand to his face, inhales deeply and repeats the process a few times.

Wouldn’t you know it, the old man’s body begins to respond and he is elated, he hasn’t been this hard since his early 30s. It is amazing!

Thinking that finally, he can have s*x again he turns on the light and begins to shake his wife awake,

“honey… HONEY… you’ve got to see this…. “

She rolls over
“Ah for f*ck sake, you woke me up to show me you have a Wet nose?”

A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.

He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.

The eggs also fell down and broke.

A crowd gathered around the boy.

As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers

“Couldn’t you be more careful?”

“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”

An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said

“Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop . Ok I will help him, as much as I can”…… saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.

And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.

The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.

The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.

One of the onlookers asked the boy

“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner”

The boy smiled and replied

“Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is s*x after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

” Marion… Marion “

“Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have s*x. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

I have s*x again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s*x a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s*x the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it’s back to golf course again.

Then it’s more s*x until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”

“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”

“No — I’m a rabbit in Kent’.

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather,

“Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied,

“Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal”.

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he

asks again,

“Are you sure these plates are clean”?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says,

“I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t ask me about it anymore!”

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass so he said,

“Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,

“Cold Water, Go lay down!”

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean.

All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him.

His boat is a way off and he starts swimming like crazy.

He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendour, the atheist screams,

“Oh, God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above.

The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say,

“You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies,

“Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies,

“As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says,

“Thank you, Lord, for this food for which I am about to receive…”