Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that, they were married.

A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.

Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk He figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

It was, after all, his birthday.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra-large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.

She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.

He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud but ripe as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!!

It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.

To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

He got another urge.

This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,

“SURPRISE!!!”

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having s*x in the middle of the road.

Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn’t move.

He finally brought the truck’ to a halt inches from them.

The truck driver got out and stormed:

“What the hell’s the matter with you two?.

Didn’t you hear me? You could have been killed!”

The man replied nonchalantly:

“Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness

A lady next To him says,

“What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”

Irish man – “I’m celebrating.”

Lady – “Me too.”

Irish man – “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”

Lady – “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”

Irishman – “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”

Lady – “Wow! How did that happen?”

Irishman – “I used a different cock.”

Lady smiled and said,

“WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!”

A middle-aged man was tired of his job in the city and wanted a place where he could relax.

So he decided to go to the seaside and buy a house.

He found the perfect house and was about to buy it when his next-door neighbor to show up: a very fit, athletic 85-year-old man, with a full head of beautiful silver hair!

“Hey old-timer, it seems this place has done you good! You look very fit and in shape.” Says the man

“You wouldn’t believe the wonders of this place when I first set foot here I couldn’t even walk, and I was bald! Now, look at me!” He exclaims.

The man, who had been fearing of growing old, bald and weak, is very excited at this news, and immediately buys the house next door.

However, a month passes by, and, shockingly, the man starts balding and feels no different physically.

So he decides to speak with the old-timer.

“Hey old-timer, you said you grew hair and started walking after you moved here, but I’m balding, what gives? How long have you been here for these effects to show?” says the man

The old-timer simply responds:

“Well, sonny, I was born an raised here, so it might take a while!”

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he passes a shop with a notice in the window.

The notice said.

“We sell everything”. Paddy could not believe this so he went inside.

He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson.

“Do you really sell everything?”

The salesperson said. “Yes, everything.”

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said.

“OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?.”

The salesperson said.

“A jumper for a chicken? Hold on I will have to check the stock out the back.”

Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.

“Here you go, one jumper for a chicken.”

“How much?” Asked Paddy.

“Three quid.” Replied the salesperson.

“Three quid for a jumper for a chicken? Excellent.” Said Paddy.

So away he went. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag.

At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the salesperson.

“Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom what’s going on?”

The salesperson replied.

“Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock.”